Ms. Sunshine to Ms. Nobody

This past few weeks I'm having this feeling of unwantedness. To the people who knew me they probably think I'm happy with the people that surrounds me. But they are wrong.

I have lots of thoughts in my mind according to the treatments I received from my constant friends. First, let us define the term "friends". In Webster's New Dictionary, friend is defined as a person whom one knows well and is fond of; an ally, supporter. In my case it doesn't exist with the people I'm with. Ever since I'm in high school, I didn't have the chance to have a permanent barkada. I've tried twice but it didn't worked out. It seems like nobody wants my presence. It hurts. I'm so insecure with the people who already found a friend who will accept them whole-heartedly. I guess in this stage of my life I'm still hoping to find one.

What's their problem? They are nice to me, really, but not all the time. I just keep my feelings to myself like what I usually do. But sometimes I can't carry it anymore and I just cry. The problem is they put conclusions on my actions. The only thing that they remember is my mistakes and not the good things I've done for them. How can I defend myself if in the first place I'm already been judged? All my life I've been dealing with those bad judgments. They can't understand why I'm like this. In reality, the only person that you can rely on is your family and God of course. Because of this experiences I learn to be stronger and tougher for the next obstacles I will encounter in my life. Lord, guide me. :)